Things have been busy here in my corner full of soda cans illuminated by the obnoxious blue LEDs from my computer and keyboard, so busy that I missed posting a review/suggestion last week. I was so pumped about playing a game and telling you all about it… I grabbed a soda and an M-150 (it’s a weird Thai energy drink) and decided to play The Mighty Quest for Epic Loot.

 

Is my opinion a little too out in the open?

 

A free-to-play game! What could be easier to review than that? You literally can play it without having any commitment at all. No guilt if you don’t like it OR completely forget about it OR leave it to rot for the rest eternity at the bottom of your Steam library without ever having been played.

 

“Yes, today would be the day,” I thought. “And if this goes well, I’ll review some other Free-to-Plays. Smite just came out, and new games pop up all the time. This will be the beginning of a whole new content heaven…”

 

Some info on this game. It’s by UBISOFT. It’s a game where you have a castle and you loot other castles to steal the other players gold. They try to loot your gold as well. Now, Ubisoft rocks at assassins and pirates, hopefully they can do a castle defense and raid game, right? Well, first strike, it requires a UPLAY account to access the game. This also means that to play this game, you’ll need to be connected online, logged-in to Steam and logged in to UPLAY. They make you do everything short of voice analyzing you like that elevator in Captain America.

 

Keep Calm and Hail Hydra

 

I’m seated, I have beverages to keep me going, I relectuntaly log-in to UPLAY,  I press play… and I’m stuck at the Ubisoft logo.

 

I close it, submit a bug report, and try to open it again… No more logging in, the servers remember me. “Great! Now surely I can set up my castle!”

Think again…

 

correctednetwork

 

“Ok, I’ll go to their website for tech support, surely they want me to be able to play their free game, so I can eventually give them money.” I was wrong. These guys must hate money.

 

I did my normal process for when I have a game bug:

1) Check the Steam Community for the game.

2) Do a quick google and reddit search for an answer

3) Last Resort: the games Support Forums…

 

The steam community Bug Reports section has multiple instances of people experiencing the Network Error issue in various parts of the game, so even if you are lucky enough to get it to run, you may not be able to attack other castles if the network decides you cannot. Once or two of these have even been responded to by Ubisoft employees, however none of them  were resolved. Here’s an example if you want to take a look. http://steamcommunity.com/app/239220/discussions/0/558749190837780307/

The Ubisoft employee gives a cookie cutter “Tech Support for Dummies” answer, the poster says it did not fix the issue, and the Ubisoft employee disappears forever into the mists of time.

 

After finding no solution in the Steam Community, I did a quick Google and many people have experienced this, no answers. Ok, time for door number 3… Support Forums.

 

The Technical Support Forum is a disaster. The majority of the posts are ads for Islamic Black Magic to help your marriage or bring back your husband… I couldn’t make this up even if I wanted to. Since I have no need of Black Magic from the Middle East to help my relationship, I decided to keep scrolling through. On page 4 I finally found some actually relevant posts! Also, none of these have responses from actual Tech Support.  While I would not want to deal with 3 pages of the Middle Eastern Dark Arts either, that doesn’t mean you can just completely ignore your player base.


Giving them the benefit of the doubt, I tried to make a support ticket to see if I could get some one on one help… Please excuse my upcoming rage…

 

Really Ubisoft?

 

AN ERROR CREATING THE TICKET? YOU CAN’T EVEN CREATE A SUPPORT TICKET FOR THIS FALLACY OF A GAME?!?! I’M DONE. WE’RE DONE. NEVER AGAIN.

 

So, for the record, don’t play this. Don’t even waste your bandwidth trying to download it. Want a game that you can actually play? Here’s my recommendation for the week: Bloons Tower Defense 5. It’s great.